enemyswim

“Hello, (name of player called up)! Greetings, and welcome back to the bigs! The Minnesota Twins Baseball Club would like to be the first to congratulate you on being on the 40-man roster and available to fly on short notice.

You’ve been called up because (circle one) somebody got injured / somebody can’t pitch and we’re pretending he’s injured / Jim Hoey can’t get anybody out. Before you get started in your role as (circle one) long man / mop-up man / high-leverage situation reliever, there’s a few things that you need to know, and a few things that may have changed:

1. Please do not speak with Kevin Slowey unless he addresses you first. He can throw approximately two pitches per week, and the mere act of speaking tires him out and may send him to the disabled list at any moment. Also, we caught him reading Proust on a flight the other day, and we cannot stress enough that this behavior is NOT condoned by the Minnesota Twins, and does NOT lead to “getting after it.”
2. Please do not reminisce about anything with Joe Nathan. He’s in a very fragile place emotionally right now. If somebody mentions closing, he breaks down in tears. We’re trying to sell him the idea that he has memory loss and that and he’s always been the kind of guy who finishes a game when we’re down three runs. We feel like denial is going to help him.
3. If you answer the bullpen phone and it’s for Phil Dumatrait, he’s the kind of tall lefty with the chubby cheeks. (We have trouble keeping track of who he is too. Don’t feel bad.)
4. If the phone rings and it’s for Dusty Hughes and you get frustrated you’re not going in the game instead, just hold your tongue. It’s all part of an over-elaborate practical joke. We know he keeps giving up runs but we can’t back out of the joke now.
5. All bullpen members must be in the bullpen area by the beginning of the fifth inning. Unless Carl Pavano is walking guys in the first. Then get your butt out there, pronto.
6. We continue the tradition of making the bullpen rookie bring snacks, but given the constant flux, this duty has now fallen to a rotating committee. Also, you may put whatever goodies you like in the backpack, but if Matt Capps asks, you lie and tell him there’s nothing but vegetables. He’ll lose interest and wander off. Just don’t let him see you eating.

This question should cover just about everything you need to know. Please let the traveling secretary know if you’ve left anything behind in Rochester, as we can save on shipping costs by just having the next callup bring it with him, an event that should take place in the next five to seven days.

Welcome back to major league baseball! We hope you enjoy your time here, and we strive to make sure that you will remember this one- or two-week stay fondly.”